Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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