It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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