Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
