There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
