its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
