I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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