happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
