My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
