I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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