I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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