I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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