Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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