Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
