If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
