You really coming over, don't trick.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
