why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
