I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
