You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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