I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
