So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
