I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
