Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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