i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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