Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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