Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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