dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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