i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Randomize
