it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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