Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Randomize
