I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
