I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
29 People Confess The Worst Example Of Dirty Talk They’ve Ever Heard
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
21 Women Compare Anal and Vaginal Sex
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.