If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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