Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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