shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
