I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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