Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
