I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
