sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
