we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
