My liver just broke up with me...
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
