I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
