I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
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