OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
