Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
