Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
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She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
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I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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