I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
