It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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