he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
