i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
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I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
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I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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