I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
