I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
if i died would you start the facebook group?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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