well I can't set my house on fire every night
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
