she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
