come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
