Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
