You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just got carded by a ten year old.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
did i just pee glitter
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
