I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
