I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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