did you get engaged???
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
