Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
