the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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