if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
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Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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