Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Randomize
