When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Randomize
